My guest today is my good friend Author Janet Tronstad of the Dry Creek series. If you haven’t read any of her books, you should! Fun and fast-paced and genuine. I love ficitonal Dry Creek, Montana! Today Janet tells us some about her characters and about her life. She also asks some poignant questions at the end that I hope you’ll comment about. Here’s Janet:
“Strong Mothers, Strong Sons
In my recent series, Return to Dry Creek, I tell the story of Gracie Stone and her three sons. The series begins when Gracie returns to Dry Creek after serving a jail term for the murder of her abusive husband. Readers quickly learn in the series that Gracie did not kill her husband, but she believed one of her sons had done so. She went to prison because she felt guilty for not taking her sons away from their father. She assumed that decision permitted the kind of violence that drove a young boy to murder.
This series has been so interesting for me to write because I know the difficulties that families can face. Verbal abuse, physical abuse – they are hard for children to understand. And I had to think of how to show the grown sons processing their feelings about their father’s abuse as they, one by one, come home to work on the family ranch.
One way I showed their struggle throughout the four books was to have an ongoing task. They needed to think of some words to put on a marker for their father’s grave. One son wanted to only put the man’s name, the other wanted to disown the man through words, a third just wanted to say he wished things had been different.
I realized as the sons faced their dilemma that most of us need to find, at various times, words to describe a relationship that has been painful to us. Whether it’s a parent’s epitaph or something as simple as finding a birthday card for a sibling who is estranged from us. It is all difficult.
I wouldn’t talk about this topic on all blogs, but I know Lyn specializes in strong women and coping with adversity is the first way we become strong
So I’ll be the first to raise my hand here and acknowledge that I have a brother who is not talking to me. Every year I look for a birthday card that has words to suit our relationship.
I’ll wager that most people have a sibling, an old friend, an ex, or some person for whom they chose their words carefully (so as not to offend or seem naïve). If you do, I’d love it if you’d share.
Also does anyone have some good tips on what to say when (like in these books) the abusive one is dead and the family still feels the need for an epitaph?
Does one just go with the truth or abstain from saying much? Any thoughts as to what the sons should say?”–Janet
A difficult problem, Janet. I faced a similar one when my mother began sinking into dementia and paranoia. What does one say to someone you love when they become irrational?
I hope you’ll take this opportunity to share how you have handled something like this. Perhaps you can help someone else. –Lyn
To find out more about Janet, drop by www.JanetTronstad.com
Yes, Lyn, I can see where talking with your mother (or about your mother) would be difficult. Do you tell the unvarnished truth? How is truth tempered with mercy?
It was difficult because there would be no reconciliation, no understanding–till heaven. That’s my hope.
I read often that the forgiveness is more for the person giving it than getting it, even if they are gone already. Although the evil headed monster called guilt likes us to carry it around with us.
I take blame for some riffs I have with family. I became to judgmental and legalistic and haven’t been able to ever back up and start over.
so glad to see Janet here today, From the things she has shared with us on goodreads site I know she is a strong woman of which you have on your blog, Lyn.
I have not read this particular series but know it is good if Janet was author. I spent many years in a first marriage that was marred with alcoholism by a young husband that would not grown up, I saw the signs before we married but I too was young and not as close to God at that time in my life.
thanks for sharing today …
Paula O
The best advice I ever received for situations where communication has gapped ( for whatever reason) is “That person isnt able to come and live in your world. You have to go visit them in theirs.” Works on a number of levels and simple — the best advice always is!
Judy — it is difficult, isn’t it? Words are hard to overcome sometimes.
Paula — thanks for stopping over and for the comment on me. I don’t know if I am strong, but I am certainly experienced in some of these things (and not always happily).
Allie — that is good advice. Unless the breakdown is so complete there is no way to meet them in their world either.
Janet, what an interesting question. Having dealt with a situation of verbal abuse, I realized the person had few inner resources to deal with the problem and I couldn’t hold a grudge. However, dealing with physical abuse and murder, I have no idea but know you’ve handled it beautifully. You always do.
I personally don’t have any words to share, but this reminds me of a recent segment of the MOBBED tv show with Howie Mandel – at least I think it’s called Mobbed. Three brothers in their 20s were in a band together until one brother – the older one, sold his brother’s sentimental guitar and caused a rift that was threatening to split their family apart.
The older brother wanted forgiveness. He’d already bought the guitar back from a famous musician and did everything he could, but his brother wasn’t taking his calls and would walk away on sight. Family gatherings were torture for everyone.
Out of desperaption, the older brother turned to the producers of Howie’s show because he realized that only something BIG would show his brother how sorry he was. (Yes, this reminds me of writing a novel and the ephiphany.)
The younger brother, a songwriter, thought he was brought in for a meeting with a music industry professional who wanted to buy his music. First they got him so angry, he was ready to throw a punch. Then they made him so confused that when he walked out among the dancing mob, it took him a moment to recognize his older brother up on stage playing drums with a famous musician. When the time came to ask forgiveness, the younger brother was so emotionally turned inside out, he bawled right there and gave it.
So what have we learned? That you can’t get through to someone if you use the same-old-same-old. You need to take them away from everything that’s familiar. You need to barage their senses. You need to disturb their emotions and present a totally different view. And then you can start anew.
Good ideas, but it’s hard in real life!
I dont know how to answer here. I don’t get on that well with my brother but its not broken. with mum she forgets so much and can be draining to visit at times being that shes so self centered and can still make me feel bad with just a few comments. they hurt but at times I just let it slide. I found to argue something did’t do much so its a matter of letting it go, for example a few years back we got some products to help support a school. we had bought them the year or so before but mum couldn’t remember. She kept saying i have never had these before why would I buy them they are not what i thought. I found by saying we had them before just made her mad so had to let it go. this happened alot and when she didn’t remember it she would get quite angry. she now knows shes forgetting so not as bad.
Ausjenny — you have some challenges all right. And what you say reminds me of how powerful words are among family. They can wound us or make us feel wonderful. I’m glad your mother finally realizes she is forgetful.
I had the same with my mom. I found just going along with whatever she said was the best too.
I just finished reading this book. As usual Janet has done another wonderful job.
Shirley — thanks for reading and letting me know you enjoyed it! Nothing gives me more pleasure than hearing that.