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La Belle Christiane

Copyright 2011 by Lyn Cote

All rights reserved

Chapter Fifteen Scene 3

“Very well.” The major sighed deeply. He looked up and into her eyes. “I never intended to reveal this to anyone, so I will depend upon your discretion.” She nodded and then he continued, “I am the only son of the Earl of Gresham. Two years after I was born, my mother died with a miscarriage. My father and I never got along well. I won’t go into in the reasons. All you need to know is that my father’s driving passion is family pride. You see, he and I are the last of the Easthams.

Christiane tried to read between the lines.

“As I came of age, he made it quite clear to me that I had only two purposes in life: not to disgrace the family and to provide one or more male offspring to carry on the line. That was all he needed me for, nothing else.”

He paused, recalling a past scene. He shook his head as though to clear it. “Anyway I married young. I was only twenty-one, but I found someone I cared for. Father approved of her, or I should say, of her family. And I thought I would fulfill the old man’s demand and get it over with.” He stopped again.      “What was her name?” she prompted softly.

“Mary Ann. She was very sweet.”

“Did you love her?”

“Apparently not enough. If I had I would not have treated her as I did.”

“How did you treat her?”

He looked directly into her eyes. “I killed her,” he said coldly.

His words hit her like a musket ball. “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh, I didn’t plan to. I didn’t put a knife to her throat, but the way matters ended, I might as well have.” He looked down and froze into a statue, one bent in pain.

She stared at him intently. “Go on.”

“My father’s plan did not go as I had expected. We were married six years and still no child was born to us. The old man became more and more put out. Finally he called me into his study. We had a terrible row.”

He stopped again to remember, raking his hands through his hair. “I shouldn’t have let him bother me. I should have broken with him then and there. But I didn’t. And having children was important to Mary Ann and me. We were both only children and wanted a large family. I had always been pushed aside as a child. I wanted children to love and be with,” he paused again.

“I went off to London alone. I felt a complete failure and the tension had wounded my marriage deeply. To tell the truth, I had started to doubt my ability to father a child. Uncharacteristically, I began to move in society lavishly. The parties, the gaming. I could forget my shortcomings. I was alone and for the first time I strayed. I had an affair, then another, and another. Perhaps I hoped to prove to myself that I was not at fault, but in the end, my most awful fear was realized. I couldn’t even sire a bastard.” He put his head in his hands.

For some reason Christiane’s mind cast back to Jakob. The memory of that day in Manhattan he had been forced to accept the loss of his only son. “Poor Mary Ann,” she whispered.

“You haven’t heard the worst,” he started again, his voice hard. “Mary Ann followed me to London then. I had been gone the better part of a year. She, of course, realized that after six years of faithfulness, I had strayed. She begged me to tell her what she had done wrong. I finally told her what had happened. It crushed her. She already felt at fault for our childlessness. Even in the face of my adultery, she tried to insist that the problem lay with her, not me. But I knew differently. I treated her terribly even though I was the transgressor. My father was as persistent as ever. I took all my frustrations out on her.

“I drove her…to someone else. In a way I think it was out of her unhappiness and in a way somehow to prove to me that our barrenness wasn’t my fault.” He stopped unable to go on.

She waited silently, not knowing what to say to this intimate revelation.

Then he began again, talking quickly as though to finish it and get it over. “I did nothing to stop her. In one way I felt she was entitled and in another I wanted to know if it were her after all. That she was barren.”

Christiane spoke without planning to, “And she became pregnant?”

“Yes, of course, later that year. God forgive me, I couldn’t look at her. We lived in the same house, but we lived parallel lives. No one, not even my father guessed. We stayed to ourselves in our misery. My father was delighted.” His face twisted itself into a distorted imitation of a smile. “Mary Ann’s part of it ended fairly quickly. She died in childbirth.” He fell silent, exhausted, staring past her deep into the past.

She had wondered about his contradictions, his reticence. Now she understood. “Why are you telling me this?”

He focused on her face once more. “Because my pain continued. After the funeral I went back to London to forget. I never wanted to see Easthaven, my home, or my father again. How I hated him for his coldness, his single-minded desire for Mary Ann and I to produce like breeding stock. I hate him still. But most of all, I hated myself. I did things I had never done before with people I despised. I disgraced my father at every opportunity.

“But I avoided women. I wanted nothing to remind my of my unfaithfulness or Mary Ann’s. One night though I got unusually drunk and for a lark my so-called friends took me to a well-known brothel. They thought a woman was what I needed. That was when the final blow came to me. Not only was I sterile, I was impotent as well. I couldn’t accept it. I went back to one of the women I had had an affair with. I could do nothing. I was a eunuch.”

At first she could not take in what he had said. “I don’t understand.”

He spoke haltingly, stressing each word, “For the last six years I have been unable to perform as a man. Last night with you was the first time since well before my wife’s death that I have been able to make love to a woman.”

She was stunned. Now she comprehended his sobbing at the end of their love-making and his pursuit of her this morning. Though she was only nearly nineteen, after two husbands, she knew how important it was for a man to be able to satisfy his desire and please his wife. She was deeply moved. For a long time neither of them spoke. Why did her life always become more complicated? In earnest she regretted leaving the shelter of the Richardson’s. This morning again she had broke her resolve not to behave impetuously again. Her failure had caused this emotional scene.

“Will you stay with me?” His simple request startled her.

She looked into his sad eyes. What could she say to him? I can’t stay because I am your enemy. I can’t stay because I am engaged to marry another man. Either would damn her. She took a deep breath. “I told you I cannot live my mother’s life. My life has been difficult, but that much I know about myself. I can’t explain it. Last night was the first time I…,” she stopped, unable to put her sin into words. “I understand your pain, but why do you assume that I am the only woman that will do?”

“I want no woman, but you,” he said, taking both her hands. “What a woman you are, Christiane. Graceful, sensible, intelligent. Other women bore me. Not since Mary Ann have I known a woman whose company I enjoy more. You are a unique creation. I am more than a wealthy man. Be mine, Christiane, and I will make this world a wondrous place for you. I will shower you with anything your heart should desire. You will never want for anything again.”

When he flattered her sense and intelligence, he had almost won her. She was tired of men always overlooking everything but her outward appearance. Jacob had appreciated her mind. However, when the major added an appeal to her selfishness, he lost her. It made too close a comparison to Mrs. Loring. She pulled her hands away. “Don’t you understand? I am not the kind of woman who only associates with a man because of what he can give her.”

The words had barely left her mouth when they came back and stabbed her very heart. Wasn’t that what she was doing with Henry Lee? Was making an advantageous marriage any more holy than achieving a lucrative liaison? Her discomfort was almost physical as she wrestled with her conscience. Did a woman have to be in love to marry a man honestly? And what about this man who sat across from her?

In the world at large, Lord John Eastham was more wealthy and more prestigious than her fiancé. She had to admit that she favored the man before her, but why? Was it because she had shared an important event of her life with him? After all he had arranged her first marriage. Now they had lived together for over two weeks. He knew her better than Henry that was certain. Her face grew warm when she remembered last night. But she could not stay. The night before she had slipped from her goal, to be the cherished wife of one man. It would be her only slip.

The Major had wisely given her time to cool down. Finally he interposed, “I did not mean to offend you.”

She turned her head to face him. “I know.”

“Stay with me, Christiane,” he pleaded.

She looked at his face. Suddenly she felt very tired. She knew what she should do. Leave. But somehow she could not. Twice in her life he had come to her aid and he had just revealed his innermost soul and darkest secret. She couldn’t just get up and walk away.

“Stay,” he whispered, “stay.”

“There are things about me that you don’t know.”

“Stay. Please.”

For a moment she bowed her head, as if praying. Then she looked him directly in the eyes. “I have no intention of being your mistress,” she said precisely. “In honesty I cannot blame you for last night.”

She paused and went on bravely. “I wanted you, too. When we had just begun, I could have stopped you, but I didn’t. You did not take me against my will and I refuse to pretend that you did. And I do not regret our making love, if it was so important to you. But I am the woman I am. If I stay, it will be as a friend only. Can you accept that?”

“I will try,” he whispered, downcast.

“I will make you only one promise. I will stay as long as I can. No longer.” She would take a few days to convince him that she was not the only woman that could arouse him and then she would leave. Or if he remained unconvinced, at least, she would not have left him in a rude or unkind way.

He studied her, trying to comprehend her inner struggle. Then he nodded. He would take her on any terms.
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